7 Habits of Highly Effective Ah Bengs

　　大家可能知道Stephen Covey这个人，他刚在上个月（7月16日）逝世，享年79岁。他最广为人知的一本书就是“The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”：

Habit 1: Be Proactive （积极主动）

Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind （以终为始）

Habit 3: Put First Things First （要事第一）

Habit 4: Think Win-Win （双赢思维）

Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood （知彼解己）

Habit 6: Synergize （统合综效）

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw （不断更新）

 

　　我在UFM1003电台广播员林安娜的博客《安娜私房话》得知网上有流传所谓 “阿明版” 的“7 Habits of Highly Effective Ah Bengs”：

Habit 1: Kin ka kin chew （Fast leg fast hand 快脚快手）

Habit 2: Ooh tao ooh buay （Have head have tail 有头有尾）

Habit 3: Chik hang chik hang lai – Ban ban lai （One thing at a time, slow and steady一样一样来，慢慢来）

             Cho tao seng （Do first 做头先）

Habit 4: Long chong ai yarh （Want to win everytime 全部要赢）

Habit 5: Cho lang ai eh beng pek （You must be understanding 做人要会明白）

Habit 6: Tai ka ai hap chop （All must co-operate 大家要合作）

Habit 7: Toh bua lai lai （Make the knife sharp 刀磨利利）

 

　　网上还有人制作了海报，以“新加坡、柔佛和巴淡岛最佳阿明” Phua Chu Kang为形象大使，把这趣味盎然的“高效能阿明的七个习惯”呈现出来：

破船上的大智慧

　　收到程波传给我的另一篇文章，文章以故事的形式，讥讽丹麦世界气候大会，读了令人莞尓：

评丹麦世界气候大会：破船上的大智慧

　　如果一百多人在漏水的船上讨价还价谁该往外多舀水，那是明摆着的蠢，事实上没人会这么干，连船上那最自私最无耻的人，也会拿出最大公无私的精神拼命舀水的。

　　但是事情如果再复杂一点，就会有新鲜的现象了。如果船上的人算计一下，在这条船沉没前，他们有足够的时间安全抵达港口，危险属于下一船乘客时，有很多人就会停下来安静地欣赏海景了。

　　哪怕这条船在抵达港口前的确会沉没一部分，比如灌满一个叫“马尔代夫”的船舱，其他舱室的人，基本上都会无动于衷。

　　更复杂的是，如果这艘船超重，需要乘客们把身上的金银细软抛下船的话，扯蛋就来了。穷人们说，富人钱多经得起糟蹋你先扔，至少得再扔40%；富人则说穷鬼你那堆破烂儿又沉又不值钱你先扔；穷人说我扔也可以但你富人得拿出年收入的0.5%-1%，即3000块补偿给我，还得教会我发财致富的秘诀，富人说你丫做白日梦吧老子已经一年白给你100块了，多了别想，你救的不是我是你自己。

　　穷人说老子才刚坐这船没两天，你狗日富人坐好几年了，生生把新船坐成了破船，现在多出点血是天经地义的；富人说以前天杀的知道这船是会坐破的，再说如果不是我们富人天天捣鼓这船，你这帮农民今天还在刨地球，能懂航海术、看西洋景？今天这船要沉了也是我们发现的，要不你们这帮賤人淹死了都不知道咋回事。

　　蛋还没扯完，眼见船越来越漏的厉害。于是船客们聚到“日本”房间，穷人们靠着人多强行通过了一份《京都协议书》，要求富人赶紧扔东西，穷人却可以不扔。最富的富人米利坚说，这是明显的仇富嘛，天下哪有这道理，俺不玩了。穷人说你B一家最重，负担就占了全船的近1/5，你不扔谁扔？米利坚说我的东西是最重，但也最值钱。俺以全船1/4的值钱物件才占了1/5的重量，凭啥我扔？你们看看那叫拆哪的穷鬼，以不到3%的价值也占了近1/5的负担，为啥不让他多扔？

　　黑眼睛黑头发黄皮肤的拆哪一听急了：穷兄弟们别听他的，俺们可都是穷苦人家出身，你们要是把我推出来，以后你们中有人小偷小摸耍流氓谁罩着啊？好歹这船是大家的，你米利坚就是东西最多最重，这船也属你坐的时间最长次数最多，看我干啥？凭啥？你凭啥？这最怕船沉的不是咱穷棒子是富人，他们经不起大规模人员伤亡。

　　为了尽快把蛋扯完，船客们最近又在一间叫“丹麦”的房间开了一个会。据最新消息，把蛋扯完的机会已经很渺茫。最重大的成果将是形成一份《哥本哈根共识》，这份有所有船客签名的共识说：“我们都发现并且承认，这船在漏水，而且是会沉的。”

　　这份共识发表后，船客们纷纷接到恭喜电话，表扬他们表现出了高超的政治智慧，并且坚定地捍卫了国家利益。

你们聊，我先走

　　同事朱骏在facebook上分享了以下几则笑话，令人噴饭：

小兔说：“我妈妈叫我小兔兔，好听！”
小猪说：“我妈妈叫我小猪猪，也好听！”
小狗说：“我妈妈叫我小狗狗，也很好听！”
小鸡说：“你们聊，我先走了！”

小兔说：“我是兔娘养的！”
小猪说：“我是猪娘养的！”
小鸡说：“我是鸡娘养的！”
小狗说：“你们聊，我先走了！”

浪客说：“人们叫我浪人，好听！”
武士说：“人们叫我武人，也好听！”
高手说：“人们叫我高人，也很好听！”
剑客说：“你们聊，我先走了！”

北京大学的说：我是北大的。
天津大学的说：我是天大的。
上海大学的说：我是上大的。
厦门大学的说：你们聊，我先走了！

李宗仁将军说：我这人，有仁！
傅作义将军说：我这人，有义！
左权将军说：我这人，有权！
霍去病将军说：你们聊，我先走了！

师范学院的学生说：我是“师院”的
铁道学院的学生说：我是“铁院”的
职业学院的学生说：我是“职院”的
技术学院的学生说：你们聊，我先走

招聘妙法

　　达明的facebook笑话集里，介绍了一个招聘各种职位的妙法，老板们或许可以考虑一用：

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?
Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks,
Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them,
Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks,
Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order,
Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other,
Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping,
Put them in reception.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces,
Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle,
Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved,
Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day,
Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window,
Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least,

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved,
Congratulate them and put them in top management.

男人+女人

　　达明在facebook上收集了不少笑话，这里又是一则关于男人和女人的笑话，没想到可以如此应用数学来探讨人生：

人 = 吃饭 + 睡觉 + 上班 + 玩
人 = 吃饭 + 睡觉 + 上班 + 玩
猪 = 吃饭 + 睡觉
代入：人 = 猪 + 上班 + 玩
即：人 - 玩 = 猪 + 上班
结论：不懂玩的人 = 会上班的猪

男人 = 吃饭 + 睡觉 + 挣钱
猪 = 吃饭 + 睡觉
男人 = 猪 + 挣钱
男人 - 挣钱 = 猪
结论：男人不挣钱等于猪

女人 = 吃饭 + 睡觉 + 花钱
猪 = 吃饭 + 睡觉
代入上式得：女人 = 猪 + 花钱
移项得：女人 - 花钱 = 猪
结论：女人不花钱的都是猪

综上：
男人为了让女人不变成猪而挣钱！
女人为了让男人不变成猪而花钱！

男人 + 女人 = 两头猪

友谊

　　在facebook上读到达明转载的这则笑话：

男人的友谊与女人的友谊
一个女人有一晚没回家睡
隔天她跟老公说她睡在一个女性朋友那边
她老公打电话给她最好的10个朋友，没有一个知道这件事！

一个男人有一晚没回家睡
隔天他跟老婆说他睡在一个兄弟那边
她老婆打电话给他最好的10个朋友，有8个好兄弟确定他老公睡在他们家……
还有2个说……
他老公还在他那儿！

Friendship Between Men and Women
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that ….
he was still there!

魔镜

　　我上一篇博文《穷得只剩下钱》提到陈水扁，这里转载去年年底伟明传给我的一则关于陈水扁的笑话，博君一笑：

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Bill Gates were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?'

Bill Gates said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the wealthiest man alive, but I've never had it confirmed.'

Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking "mirror, mirror on the wall" to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'

Angelina said for sure she was the most gorgeous.

Bill Gates came in and asked, "Who the hell is Chen Sui-Bien?"

不在人事

　　今早在林安娜的博客《安娜私房话》读到这篇笑话（参阅《没有人可以扼杀你的快乐！》），抄录于此，与网友共享会心一笑的时刻：

好友英英在人事单位服务，日前调到楼下的总务单位。

这天，他的朋友打电话找他，「英英在吗？」朋友问。

「他已经不在人事了喔！」英英的同事回答。

「啊！怎么会，他什么时候过去的？」朋友惊讶地说。

「上个礼拜。」英英的同事答。

「我都不知道，没有送他一程。」朋友懊悔地说。

「没关系啦，你下去找他就好了。」英英的同事答。

物价高涨

　　日前收到雅顺传给我这则简讯：

　　抗油价暴涨妙方
　　早早睡，晚晚起，又省电，又省米。
　　懒出门，少穿衣，家家不用洗衣机。
　　少坐车，多走路，走的一步算一步。
　　不吃荤，改吃素，三餐野菜配豆腐。
　　不看病，找算命，求神拜佛来搞定。
　　一包盐，两块钱，一家八口舔一舔。
　　喝多多，吃少少，肚子能涨就算饱。
　　风扇开小小，门窗开大大，一天到晚都是夏。
　　头发剪平平，省钱绝顶又聪明。
　　走路不要拖，拖了鞋底剥。
　　说话别罗唆，罗唆饮水多。
　　老板天天不冲凉，伙计月底才有粮。
　　省油、省电、省水费思量呀费思量！真凄凉！！


　　简讯结尾还特别交代：“哈！挺无聊的…看看无妨啦！别太认真噢！”不知道是怕我真的照着做呢，还是预知我会很认真地小题大作呢？（一笑）

　　这首打油诗的趣味在于它提出各种夸大其词的省钱方法，却也反映了当前国人所面对的民生问题，尤其是低收入家庭捉襟见肘的处境，因此坊间对任何物价上涨的消息总免不了发出怨言，也有人要求政府出手援助。

　　“柴米油盐酱醋茶”是我们平凡人每天所面对的生活需求，只有在三餐温饱之后才会想到“琴棋书画诗酒花”。平心而论，有多少人真的能像颜渊一样，“一箪食，一瓢饮，在陋巷，人不堪其忧，回也不改其乐”（《论语·雍也》）。

　　我很感恩自己是幸福的，至少我不愁吃、不愁穿、有家庭、有工作，还有闲情写写博客。但我是可以理解贫苦家庭面对物价高涨所承受的压力，给予他们最基本的生活需求的援助，政府是责无旁贷的。

　　然而，什么是最基本的生活需求呢？

　　早些时候米价开始上涨时，引起了一股市民争相抢购囤积米粮之风。我还记得当时有记者访问那些加入抢购行列的市民，有些市民表示担心买不到泰国香米。当记者问市民为什么不改为买普通白米，还可以省一点钱，他却说非得吃泰国香米不可。

　　从这里可以看到每个人的最基本生活需求是不同的，是相应于他的生活水准的。原则上政府应该只对那些生活拮据的公民伸出援手，具体操作上要恰当地划出不同家庭收入群体所应得的援助。

　　但是，我们不应该期待甚至要求政府的接济，更重要的是回到自己身上，检视自己的需求，调整自己的心态，量入为出，才有可能做到处于困境“也不改其乐”。

小孩子

　　收到妻子传来的电邮，是一则关于小孩子的笑话，读了让人忍俊不禁。原文以英文撰写，特保留原汁原味，与网友共享之。

CHILDREN

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...

here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was...

'DON'T! '

'Don't what?' Adam replied.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said.

'Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!'

' No Way !'

'Yes way!'

'Do NOT eat the fruit! ' said God.

'Why?'

'Because I am your Father and I said so!'

God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?' God asked.

'Uh huh,' Adam replied.'

Then why did you?' said the Father.

'I don't know,' said Eve.

'She started it!' Adam said.

'Did not!'

'Did too!'

'DID NOT!'

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY !

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you ?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.

They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN'

AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!